


a series of crit fails

by adhdmollymauk



Series: critrole rsweek 2018 [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Critical Role Relationship Week, Critical Role Relationship Week 2018, Gen, Heist, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 08:08:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14972834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adhdmollymauk/pseuds/adhdmollymauk
Summary: for day 2 of critrole rsweek!The Mighty Nein fuck up yet another heist and Fjord and Nott have to pretend to be father and daughter. Again.





	a series of crit fails

**Author's Note:**

> when i rolled these two i knew immediately i wanted to do this dynamic. i love them. they're disasters
> 
> widomauk discord saved my ass in several different places on this fic. specifically jas gave fjord his terrible fake name and cecil gave me the idea for the flask bit. love yall!!!

The plan goes like this:

Molly distracts the Crownsguard outside with the classic Party Tiefling act, and Yasha keeps an eye on them from a safe distance. Caleb signals if anything goes wrong and/or sets things on fire if they need a bigger distraction. Jester's gotten Fjord a forged set of papers to get him in the door for an interview with the chief archivist. While he goes in the front disguised as an elf, Nott sneaks in through the vents as a gnome, armed with Caleb's prepped anti-alarm spell, and Beau watches the back entrance. Quick, in and out, and they retrieve the book within half an hour.

It does not happen like that.

"Are you all sure that this heist we planned in one hour is going to work," Caleb says into his copper wire. "Because we can find another way to get me this book, really, it's not that--"

"WE GOT THIS CALEB," Nott shrieks back, over the noise of what sounds like several pieces of heavy machinery. "WE'RE GONNA GET YOU THE--FUCK WAIT HOLD ON TH" The message abruptly cuts off. Caleb puts his head in his hands. This is the last time he asks his friends for help. Forbidden tome of time magic or no, it's not worth another hospital disaster.

 

"The archivist will see you now," says a solemn-looking robed elf. Fjord looks up at them with what he hopes is a disarming smile and readies his forged papers. He hasn't actually looked at them, he realizes, and gives a quick glance at what his name is supposed to be.

"Chief Archivist Vyshaan, a pleasure. My name is." He tries his best not to wince. "Humphrey Fancybottom.... the third." He is going to _kill_ Jester. "Please, just call me Humphrey."

"Nice to meet you as well. I do have to say, from your application I was expecting an elf; I find myself a bit... surprised." The archivist shakes his hand and glances dismissively at his papers. Fjord tries his level best not to say _FUCK_ out loud. Disguise Self isn't working and he doesn't have a way to give Nott a heads up. Fucking shit. He smiles wider and tries to think of good ways to bomb an interview so badly that every single person in the archives ends up in the room.

Vyshaan takes him through basic interview questions, barely listening to anything he says. Clearly this guy is one of those elitists who will only work with other elves. Fjord curses the anti-magic field, not for the last time, and puts on his most polite and charming persona. No matter what ridiculously long and over-articulated answers he tries, Vyshaan cuts him off too quickly and moves on to something else. He's not going to be able to keep this old asshole distracted much longer.

As Vyshaan is about to dismiss him, there's an absolutely huge crash from somewhere in the vicinity of the basement. _Nott._ Fuck fuck FUCK.

"Wow, ha ha, what kind of magical books y'all got down there? They escape or somethin'?" he asks too loudly.

"You'll have to excuse me, I must investigate this," Vyshaan says, sweeping out of the room. Fjord panics and absolutely books it to catch up with him, babbling something about ancient texts, and manages to body-block him for about thirty seconds before he huffs and moves Fjord bodily out of the way.

At which point he steps in front of a very green, very visible Nott.

"Uhhhhhhhhh _honey_ , I thought I told you to stay outside until Daddy's interview was all done?" Fjord says through his teeth. Nott gives him a look that says _not this again_ before widening her eyes as much as possible and trying to look innocent. A corner of the book is just sticking out from under her cloak.

"I am so very sorry, er, Papá, there was a..... big horse and I got scared?" She mouths _got it_ when Vyshaan's back is turned and Fjord nods slightly. Now to get the hell out of dodge.

"Is this your....... offspring?" Vyshaan says, his mouth curling up in distaste.

"That she is, my wonderful daughter Bren. I'm _so_ very sorry, Chief Archivist, I couldn't find a babysitter in time." Keeping a smile plastered on his face, Fjord picks up Nott and cradles her like a baby, giving her an exaggerated kiss on the forehead as he moves his shirt to better conceal the stolen book.

"How.... sweet," Vyshaan says, and turns to head down the stairs. "Would you two wait in the lobby while I investigate this, please? There's just a bit of paperwork I need to go over with you, Mr.--Humphrey."

"Would it, uh. Be at all possible to go over that now, Mr. Vyshaan? My little Bren here needs to head to.... school in just about ten minutes, and she can't be late any more times."

"School," Vyshaan repeats. "At..... four in the afternoon?"

"Uh, yes sir, she attends a private academy for... gifted.... half-orcs," Fjord lies desperately. The book is starting to slip out of Nott's cloak, and she feels it. She's trying her best to wiggle and get it to stay up, but there's only so much she can do. Vyshaan stares directly at the weird bulge.

" _Flask_ ," Fjord says through his teeth, and makes a tiny dropping motion with his free hand.

"Very well, I suppose I could have you fill it out now," Vyshaan says, to Fjord's immense relief, and motions another archivist to bring over a stack of papers. His eyes keep flicking back to the bulge, and Fjord hoists Nott up on his hip with a too-big motion. It works for about a minute. Vyshaan is _this_ close to summoning the Crownsguard.

" _Now,_ " Fjord grits out, and Nott lets her flask drop to the floor with a clatter as Fjord slides the book out from the cloak and under his shirt.

"Is that, erm. Alcohol? Is that the _child's?_ " Vyshaan glares righteously down at the fallen flask.

"Milk! It's a..... novelty flask. Poor thing wanted to be jus' like her mother." Fjord lays the accent on thicker than molasses and swoops down to retrieve it, backing away. _Patron... eye thing... dude, whoever the fuck you are, if you're out there... come through for me_ , he thinks. _Fuck it, you too, Traveler._

"I am so sorry sir but I do believe we have to run, my little Bren will be late. I'll uh, fill these forms out and mail 'em back to you. Thanks so much for your time." And Fjord makes a run for it before Vyshaan can realize he hasn't picked up the forms.

 

They come tearing out the front door, Nott shrieking "GO! NOW!" into her wire. "GO GO GO," she yells to Beau, " _youcanreplytothismessage_ \--MOLLY GO _youcanreplytothismessage_ _\--"_

And then several things explode.

 

The book turns out to not have anything that useful in it after all. Nott spends the next week calling Fjord Papá when she wants anything from him. Fjord resigns himself to never do another heist.

**Author's Note:**

> as always i'm on [tumblr](http://adhdmollymauk.tumblr.com/) and book club is getting there, slowly


End file.
